Tonight, at an unnamed establishment in the Village, a group of friends and I were celebrating a friend's birthday, and since the establishment was obviously not carding anyone, I figured why not help myself to a few drinks? After all, I haven't really had a drink since May. But it wasn't long before I remembered exactly why that is--why the few times I have had something to drink do not stand out in my memory as particularly pleasant experiences.

Anyone who knows me also knows that I don't generally drink. I'm "straight edge." Besides the fact that I feel like drinking to excess is both embarrassing and unnecessary and the fact that I am not quite of age, there is actually one pretty good reason why I generally refrain from drinking. Simple really:

I am not a happy drunk. A few drinks don't make me sillier or more relaxed. They don't make me want to dance. They don't make me forget about my problems. In fact, they do the exact opposite; they take away my only defense from everything that claws at my mind and makes my heart ache.

Most days, the only things keeping me from going insane are the very same things that drive others to drink. My busy lifestyle, all of the classes, all of the club meetings, all of the rehearsals, the long days, leaving my apartment at 9am and coming back at 9pm after going non-stop all day. That endless stream of activity is all that stands between myself and a mental and emotional break-down. Without my mental barrier keeping all of my heart's complaints at bay, my mind is easy prey.

After only a Jack & Coke (my poison of choice) I was already feeling those barriers slipping and everything melting together. For a little bit, it's not so bad, but a shot and a few sad songs later, far from drunk and far from feeling relaxed, I was eager to leave. Every fucked up feeling I've been trying to repress for the last month and a half came welling up to the surface, threatening to throw my composure out of the window. But I'm stronger than that, and I hadn't had nearly enough to drink to really break through that barrier. Nobody understands why I almost always say no to that drink.

Now, here I am at 3:30 in the morning wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.